Party Idea: Safer-Sex Fiesta!

Chef BoyRUGay would like to remind readers to Ask Argenta, if you have any questions about sexual health, relationships, or living life with pride! 

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to watch the elusive Ms. Perón host a game show at La Casa, the Latino Culture Center at Indiana University Bloomington.  The game was a twist on the timeless “Newlywed Game,” in which contestants tried to guess their partners’ answers to questions about relationships (What would your partner give up for love?), sex(Where does your partner prefer to be kissed?) and STI’s(Does your partner know which bodily fluids carry HIV?).  It was obvious that Argenta had done her research, and I was reminded of a few facts I had forgotten. 

The funniest moment came when participants were asked to identify the safest means of STI prevention.  One enthusiastic audience member yelled out what the Chef was already thinking:  “Masturbation!”

This week’s challenge is to share healthy eating habits with others.  Come up with a few invasive questions of your own, and invite friends for stimulating conversation, over these flavorful, nutritious quesadillas.  A note of caution: use a little tact if you plan to invite Argenta over for Taco Night.

The following recipe is courtesy of the South Beach Diet:

Chicken Quesadillas

Ingredients:

4 whole wheat (8-inch) tortillas

2 (6 oz.) boneless, skinless chicken breasts, pre-cooked and thinly sliced

1 cup, shredded, reduced-fat cheddar or Monterey jack pepper cheese (I like to use ½ cup of eachJ)

1 avocado, pitted, peeled and thinly sliced

2 green onions, thinly sliced

Salt and black pepper

Directions:

Heat oven to 200 degrees.

Heat 1 tortilla in a nonstick skillet over medium heat until warm, about 1 minute.

Sprinkle tortilla with ¼ of the chicken, cheese, avocado, onions, and a pinch of salt and black pepper.

Cover the skillet and cook until the cheese melts, about 2 minutes.

Use a spatula to remove the tortilla from to a plate or cutting board.  Fold the tortilla in half and place on a baking sheet in the warm oven.

Repeat three times with remaining ingredients.

Cut each quesadilla into 3 triangles.

These quesadillas are very filling!  They served as dinner and next-day lunch for two, when I made them.  Salsa, guacamole and low-fat sour cream (or yogurt)are tasty complements to this dish!

Guiding Light

Social Based: We create an environment that is fun and safe for young gay/bi men to themselves. We achieve this by hosting social events and meetings with fun activities and lots of good food! See our Calendar!

Community Building: Our goal is to create a community that can help foster a safe environment for young gay/bi men to Come Out & Play.

Gay/BI Positive: For young gay/bi men & by young gay/bi men. Our Core Group makes all the decisions, join us and help develop a positive Gay/Bi Community for young men. This is an opportunity to be whoever you want to be in a safe place.

Sex Positive: This is an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation. We advocate sex education and safer sex. We provide free condoms and lube at all of our events or just stop by our office!

Empowerment: We encourage everyone to be the best person you can be. (well us and Oprah.) We encourage developing confidence in your own capacities.

Peer Influenced Safer Sex: What a GREAT way to talk about sex with your friends. If you have the knowledge then help us spread the word. Safer Sex is the Hottest Sex! We encourage you to talk to your friends about sex…got questions? We’ve got Answers! Attend Illumenation and we will guide you on your way to becoming a Sexpert!

I Do Not Hook Up

Dear Argenta,

I am looking for something to do on campus, other than hookup…what would you recommend?

Dear Kelly Clarkson,

Querido, that is a GREAT question! There is a TON of stuff to do on campuses across the nation. I can only assume that you are speaking of Indiana University in Bloomington.

Let me think about what I did when I was in college…okay, let me think about what my friends did in college. Papi, there are ton of great organizations; it really just depends on what you want to do or how committed you want to be. There are fraternities, clubs, sports, Illumenate!

I am going to shamelessly plug Illumenate for a second. If you are looking to meet new people and get involved with your community, Illumenate is a great place to start. Join Illumenate Core Group and help plan events and build your community.

Otherwise there are some great LGBT Organizations as well. For more information on those you can talk to Carol or Doug at the GLBT Student Support Services on campus. (Tell ‘em Argenta sent you…it won’t get you anywhere, but at least they will know who sent you).

Here is a list of LGBT groups that I know about:

GLBT SSS

SAGE

Out

Sigma Phi Beta

Click any of those links and you will find some group to start off with.

Also, IU hosts a student involvement fair every year at the IMU. Check that…stop by the Illumenate Booth and say “Hello” (tell ‘em Argenta sent you…again, not really gonna get you anywhere, but they may smile)

Well, that is what I have to say about it. So, I am going to send you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte!

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Slippery Slope

Dear Argenta,

What is the best lube for anal sex?

Dear Slippery when Wet,

Querido, there is no one answer to this question.  Try all different kinds to find what works best for you or ask a friend…um…I guessed you asked me, huh? 

Here is my take on it. As long as the lubricant is condom safe (water-based or silicone based) then I would use whatever.  There are a millón opciones!  Anything from Boy Butter (I really like saying that one) to KY.  They also come in all different sizes.  I would recommend that when you are out buying lube that you go to an Adult Bookstore or online, they usually have these little pillow packs that come in all different types.  Try those out! 

My second favorite es gratis, you know the free stuff that the Men of Illumenate give out.  They have these little pillow packs in all kinds of Flavors and types.  You should check it out, Papi! That way you can save money and have some fun doing it! (Ay, I am so pun-y)  

Whatever you choose, Papi; just make sure that you make healthy choices about sex!

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am sending you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Dear Argenta,

A friend recently told me that he liked me "More than friends".  I feel like this is a downward slope and I am not interested in anything but friendship from him, what do I do?

Dear Downward Slope,

Querido, this can be a very touchy subject for people.  Nobody likes rejection, however; it’s a fact of life.  My advice to you would be to sit him down and talk to him about this issue, if he is willing.   It takes a lot of courage to actually tell someone you like them.

There are some things that you should be prepared for.  You are going to bring up some emotion for this person and yourself.  It is hard to tell someone you care about that you don’t want to date them; because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.   Unfortunately, you are going to hurt their feelings.  So if your friend pulls away from you a little, that is okay.  Give them time and space to deal with the rejection.  You should also let him know that you don’t want to lose the friendship that you have.   

Sometimes in these situation emotions run deeper then you thought.  This could cause some problems in the way of a lot of rumors, talk, y Drama.  If you care about the relationship you do have you will do what mi mama always said “Cuanto menos se diga, major” (the less said the better).   Just let these things go. (that’s easy, es cierto?) 

Por otro lado, everything could be fine and at least you both understand the situation.  Let’s hope for that one! Pero Querido, don’t dwell on the subject either.  That is the worst thing.  I have una problema with that.  Dwelling on the situation will only make things worse, move forward.  I say this with caution…Move forward, with or without your friend. 

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am sending you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Poppers and Play Things!

Dear Argenta,

What’s the real T on Poppers? I hear they are dangerous and can put you at risk for HIV, is that true?  I have a lot of friends that use them.

Dear Concerned “Friend”,

Querido, thank you for this question!  I, too, hear about a lot of “Popper” use in our community.   There is a great controversy over the use of Poppers and its effects on our community.   It is believed that because they are relatively “harmless”, then we shouldn’t worry.  There is no evidence that shows that Poppers are physically addictive, however; some studies show that they can become psychologically addictive. 

Poppers are butyl or amyl nitrate.  Here is how they work: Poppers increase your heart rate, dilate your arteries and cause your blood pressure to drop. This produces a "rush" as your heart struggles to keep blood flowing to your brain.   Now, I am no Doctora, but it sounds pretty dangerous to me Papi!  The sensation that you get from this is a warm flash and intense sexual drive.  This will only last about 30 seconds to a minute.

Poppers were first designed for heart patients and were only available via prescription until 1960 and in 1988 alkyl nitrites were outlawed by Congress except for “Commercial Use”.  At that point they appeared as Video Head Cleaner and air fresheners. Today they are isobutyl nitrite and sold in gas stations under names like “Rush”, “Snappers” and “Liquid Gold”.  (It is illegal to sell them as an inhalant in the United States) 

As too how dangerous they are, A 1983 U. S. Consumer Product Safety Commission investigation Briefing Package stated that "Available injury data did not indicate a significant risk of personal injury or illness from room odorizer abuse."   Poppers can cause burns if spilled on the skin or brief erectile dysfunction.  Papi, don’t go mixing Poppers with prescription vasodilators, such as Viagra®, it can cause MAJOR problems like fainting, stroke, or heart attack! 

Now, there is no biological evidence that states the use of Poppers will put you at a greater risk for HIV.  However, being under the influence of anything could cause poor decision making.  Papi, you know what poor decision making leads too…Poor Decisions!  

One last thing Papi, Poppers have been known to lower the strength of the Immune System for 1 to 2 day afterwards.  This is why you…I mean; your friends can get very sick after using them.  This is especially true for people who already have a weak immune system.

I just want your friends to be safe!  Like any drug prescription or otherwise know what you are taking, know the source, do the research.  Like mi madre always said, “One minute of pleasure, could be a life time of pain”.

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am going to send you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Dear Argenta,

I've gone to a couple adult video arcades several times.  One here in Bloomington, another in Clarksville.  I have also been to the bath house Club Indianapolis twice and The Works once.  I've received oral sex from several men anonymously and have also given it a couple times.  I have never let someone ejaculate in my mouth (though once a man did on my chest/stomach) and it has never gone further than oral sex.  What are the chances of me having an HIV infection?  Also, is there somewhere in Bloomington I can get tested for that on a Sunday (tomorrow)?

Dear Wanderer,

Querido, I am sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you…this computer thing still confuses me.   The correlation between oral sex and HIV is one that has been talked about forever. Studies show that you can contract it, others say no.   Here is what I say!

Yes! You can contract HIV from Oral Sex.   Now, it is a small chance (1-7% according to a British study).  You are doing the right thing by not allowing your partner to ejaculate (cum) in your mouth.   Here are some rules for oral sex:

1)      Use a flavored condom (this is the safest)

2)      Don’t allow your partner to cum in your mouth.

3)      Mama always said “Spit or Swallow…don’t let it wallow”

In the future we will actually be doing a blog post more in-depth about Oral sex and HIV.  Until then Click Here for what the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have to say.

As for Testing on Sunday…Ay Querido, these ladies at the Positive Link work so hard, I let them have Sunday off.  If you need a test please call 812.353.3169 or 800.313.4645 and they can make an appointment for you.  They are also at the GLBT Student Services Center Thursdays from 11-2pm, Walk-in hours every Monday from 2-6pm and once a month we are at Uncle E’s for Testing, Trivia & Tiaras where we provide free testing. 

I hope that helps!

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am going to send you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Chef Boyrugay Presents:

Save the date, folks!  Chef BoyRUGay and the men of IlluMENate cordially invite you to “A Day in the Park” on Tuesday, May 10^th from 4-7 pm in Brian Park.  We will throw some favorites on the grill, enjoy good music, play outdoor condom-themed games ;-), and generally have a great time!  And we’ll be all wrapped up in time for Glee!  So come out to the park and celebrate the start of spring with the Men of Illumenate! 

The menu will be as follows:

Hot Dogs/Burgers (Veggie and…otherwise)

Grilled Veggies

Crudite

Fruit Salad

Hummus & Chips

Chef BoyRUGay’s renowned Potato Salad (you will want this recipe!)

Happy Hour Mocktails

Spring-themed Sweets

RSVP on the Illumenate Facebook Event page, or shoot an email to Illumenate.  Come Out, Have Fun, Get Turned On!

Marginally Frustrated

Dear Argenta,

Sometimes I feel like there is so much hate in our own community. It's weird cause I have spent so much time alleviating myself of judgment that I forget that some people still have them. I think that we are all so genuine and unique. Why must I be marginalized within my own community? Can't we all accept our differences and empower each other? I'm just frustrated at some (not all) gays who believe that cutting others down is imperative to prove something about themselves.

I'm open to your thoughts on this matter.

Dear Marginally Frustrated,

Ay Querido, this one weighs heavy en mi corazón!  In this matter, I have to speak my truths.  I am guilty as charged when it comes to passing judgments on others.  I love my community, I love my brothers, but sometimes; it’s a matter of loving me.   So for this one I will first speak to my own experiences.  

For me, growing up wasn’t always the easiest.  I was not only judged because of my exceptional beauty, but also for being “different” from everyone else in so many ways.  I was also given a set of expectations from my family on how to act, dress, speak, etc.  I will never say that I had a hard family life; it was filled with lots of love, but a lot of expectations. 

When I first encountered My People, I was very unsure about things.  Did I have the right style, right hair, am I too fat and so much more.  These little insecure thoughts became overwhelming.  At that moment my self-esteem was far from good.  So, I began to project those insecurities on to other people. 

Sometimes, Querido, I believe that because of what we all had to grow up with (i.e. stigma, homophobia, and fear) causes Papis to have a negative sense of self.   When we get around each other, sometimes we are reminded about all of those negative feelings.  So instead of identifying the true feeling, we purge our own consciousness and throw them onto others.

A second thought is that people are often the most vicious to their own kind. It's easier being vicious to people of one's own group than to people that stigmatized you in the first place.  If we were to project on to those who stigmatize us, we would risk being stigmatized even more. If they project on to other stigmatized gay men who may also have low self-esteem, those “victims” are less likely to have the energy or courage to retaliate against you. Those gay men who project on to others know precisely how bad it feels to be dumped on by other people (after all, they themselves went through a whole lifetime of abuse by society). They know precisely where to stab their brothers for maximal hurt.

One last thing Querido, make sure that you check in with yourself.  Look at all the ways you interact with others and know that sometimes without knowing it; we too pass a little judgment.  (Even if it is just the A4A profile that says “no Fat, no Fem”)  I want you to understand that sometimes, in our own minds we marginalize ourselves before our community even gets a chance!  This is something that I have to work on myself…just remember, Senora Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am going to send you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Uncomfortably Numb

Argenta,

I think I am sexually numb. It has gotten to the point that I have slept with guys way into the triple digits, but only actually wanted to sleep with a handful of them. Its like I can't help myself. I feel like I do it to feed to something deep within me that is never truly fed. A craving for contact or closeness that perhaps I never feel like I truly achieve.

I don't want to be like this anymore, but I don't know how to stop. I'm always safe during a hook up, but its gotten so extreme that sometimes I will hook up with someone and then drive to another guys house right after. What is wrong with me? Why can't I control myself?

Dear Numb,

Papi, sometimes in our lives we need to feel that closeness to someone else. That is so natural! I like to feel close to a number of men; Mr. Cartier & Mr. Lauren are my favorite! But, this isn’t about me. 

Primer, “Buen trabajo, Papi” (good job) on playing safe!  You know Argenta loves that! Some old dead man once said: “Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie” (I Googly’d it).  Now, I don’t really know what that means (sometimes old dead people sound smarter); But, I think that you answered your own question.  You said, “I feel like I do it to feed to something deep within me that is never truly fed. A craving for contact or closeness that perhaps I never feel like I truly achieve.”   See you already know the T, Papi.  Let me tell you something, first you have acknowledged within yourself something. Now, Baby, the next step is to try and do something about it. If you truly want change, YOU CAN! 

Mi mamá used to tell me “Al buen entendedor, pocas palabras bastan” which loosely translate to “a good listener is one of few words”.  I would recommend talking to someone who knows a lot about this professionally.  They know stuff too! Let me tell you, Papi, they have helped Miss Argenta many times.  There is nothing wrong with talking to people who can be objective and know stuff too. 

Papi, one time Miss Argenta thought she had lost her mind. (I had only misplaced it)  I went right into that office and said “Argenta needs to talk!” do you know that they took me back and let me talk about myself for one whole hour.  Ay Dios, that’s my favorite subject!  This little mami really helped me.  If you would like those resources email me.

The other thing I love to do is to be with my people! I love to meet and sit with them and listen to their stories! It is always fun to make new friends that make you feel good about you without sex.   There is nothing better than un abrazo fuerte (a strong hug) from a un buen amigo to make you feel warm and fuzzy.  There are lots of ways to make new friends.  You could join a club or go to events for the community.  You can check out our calendar on this blog or contact the GLBT Student Services for their calendar.  I will tell you the Men of Illumenate make this Diva feel good.  (They even gave me my own blog!) Try something new that will make you feel good about YOU!

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am going to send you un beso grande (a big kiss) y un abrazo fuerte! 

Graias Querido (thank you love), for Asking Argenta! 

Argenta! 

I always feel uncomfortable in places with a lot of gay people. I always feel judged whenever I go to the bar or a gay party. I like hanging with gay people, but in mass quantities I always freeze up. What does that say about me?

Dear Uncomfortable,

Ay querido, I have been there, done that, got a t-shirt, and wrote a country song, but now I am Country Strong!   Let me tell you a story.

When I was a little girl in los Pampas, I always felt different.  Little did I know that was just the feeling of being a Diva.  Anyway, I did not want to hang out with all the other little girls or boys because I always felt that someone was gonna judge me.  Maybe I didn’t have the right clothes or shoes or the right words.  Ay querido, I just felt so right in the wrong place.

When I moved to Bloomington, that first week I went to the bar.  Ay, they were like vultures to a carcass. Everyone wanted to know who this Beautiful Creature was!  So it seemed like I was right back in los Pampas, everyone looking at and talking about me.  I stood there like a, cómo se dice, a deer in head lights. Then I realized, let them talk, let them look…that will make me famous!

Let me get back to your question. Baby, first I need to know what “mass quantities” are and then we need to figure out why nobody invited Argenta!  Sometimes it is a hard road to come out and find a community of your own.  It may seem like people are judging you, but most often that is not the case.  Sometimes, it’s just that they don’t know you.  Our community is a very close knit group.  When we see someone who we have never seen before, it is very easy to put up the defenses and call a threat level orange. 

Another point I would like to make is, sometimes, we do not accept ourselves as much as we should.  They call this Internalized Homophobia. (I Googly’d that too) This may make us feel uncomfortable around other gay people.  This is very common in someone that has just come out. 

I will tell you this.  There are so many beautiful people in our community.  One thing that I have done to get over my shyness is to walk up to people and introduce myself.  Find out a little about them, people love to talk about themselves.  Once you make yourself do this a couple of times, then it will become second nature.  And don’t worry about the haters, haters gonna hate!  Just remember to do you boo, do you!

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am going to send you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Graias Querido for Asking Argenta! 

Argenta!

Feelings

Dear Argenta,

I think that I have feelings for my friend.  I mean he is exactly what I am looking for, I think.  He is cute, charming, sweet, and makes me feel super amazing when I am with him.  All my friends love him too.  This is huge for me.  He is just an amazing person and I would love to date him.  I can tell him everything and anything, so I don’t want to mess it up.  I think he might like me but I am not sure.  I am such a mess about it and really wish I could know.  Tell me what I should do!

Dear Feelings,

Querido, I am gonna assume that your friend is single.  If not, then you need to leave it alone. First, I want you to take a step back and breath. Querido, are you absolutely certain that you want to take the relationship to another level?  If you do not, you run the risk of losing a friend if this is just a fling.

You can always start with a little harmless flirting and see if he is flirting with you too, remembering that there's no such thing as a 100% definite sign.  I NEVER recommend getting drunk (for obvious reasons) and going on about how you've always loved them and how you should get married (where it is legal) and adopting foreign born children together. This is quite likely to make them run away screaming, even if they liked you in the first place.

Mi mamá  used to say “Hija recuerdo, Quien no llora, no mama”.  This loosely translates to “he who does not cry, will not nurse”.  You have to be brave and tell them that you like him “more-than-friends”. Let him know there's no pressure and if he says 'no' then you still want to be buen amigos. Be prepared for them to say “Gurl, you crazy and I love you as a friend, that’s all”, but always hope for the best.

If he says no, be nice, no matter how disappointed you feel. You may have built things up in your own head and they just don’t feel the same way. Try to check your disappointment and jealousy and still be buen amigos. Keep him as a friend, especially if he is as good of a friend as you say he is.  Nothing better than having someone to  talk to, maybe one day you will look back and laugh about it.  Like mama used to tell me “there are mucho fishes in the oceans”.  Put yourself back out on the market and snag you a sexy Papi! 

Well that is all I have to say about it. Un ambrazo fuerte y un beso con amor.

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta.