Slippery Slope

Dear Argenta,

What is the best lube for anal sex?

Dear Slippery when Wet,

Querido, there is no one answer to this question.  Try all different kinds to find what works best for you or ask a friend…um…I guessed you asked me, huh? 

Here is my take on it. As long as the lubricant is condom safe (water-based or silicone based) then I would use whatever.  There are a millón opciones!  Anything from Boy Butter (I really like saying that one) to KY.  They also come in all different sizes.  I would recommend that when you are out buying lube that you go to an Adult Bookstore or online, they usually have these little pillow packs that come in all different types.  Try those out! 

My second favorite es gratis, you know the free stuff that the Men of Illumenate give out.  They have these little pillow packs in all kinds of Flavors and types.  You should check it out, Papi! That way you can save money and have some fun doing it! (Ay, I am so pun-y)  

Whatever you choose, Papi; just make sure that you make healthy choices about sex!

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am sending you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Dear Argenta,

A friend recently told me that he liked me "More than friends".  I feel like this is a downward slope and I am not interested in anything but friendship from him, what do I do?

Dear Downward Slope,

Querido, this can be a very touchy subject for people.  Nobody likes rejection, however; it’s a fact of life.  My advice to you would be to sit him down and talk to him about this issue, if he is willing.   It takes a lot of courage to actually tell someone you like them.

There are some things that you should be prepared for.  You are going to bring up some emotion for this person and yourself.  It is hard to tell someone you care about that you don’t want to date them; because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.   Unfortunately, you are going to hurt their feelings.  So if your friend pulls away from you a little, that is okay.  Give them time and space to deal with the rejection.  You should also let him know that you don’t want to lose the friendship that you have.   

Sometimes in these situation emotions run deeper then you thought.  This could cause some problems in the way of a lot of rumors, talk, y Drama.  If you care about the relationship you do have you will do what mi mama always said “Cuanto menos se diga, major” (the less said the better).   Just let these things go. (that’s easy, es cierto?) 

Por otro lado, everything could be fine and at least you both understand the situation.  Let’s hope for that one! Pero Querido, don’t dwell on the subject either.  That is the worst thing.  I have una problema with that.  Dwelling on the situation will only make things worse, move forward.  I say this with caution…Move forward, with or without your friend. 

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am sending you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Why do men love boobs?

Dear Concerned,

Querido, that’s like asking “How many licks does it take to get to the center of tootsie roll pop?”  “The world may never know!”   However, here is one explanation.

Thanks for the “Mammary’s”,

Argenta

Not all men have penises. Statements like, “I know that men do not have vaginas” makes me feel sad and erased. ): just sayin’…would be nice if your language was more trans inclusive.”

Dear Sad,

The article in question is Bad Bottoms and not an Ask Argenta post.  However, I do want to address this issue.  The phrasing that was used “I know that men do not have vaginas” was used to illustrate a point.  Prior to that statement the article talked about the use of feminine hygiene products for anal cleanliness. It was a statement that was used to bridge the two discussions. 

It is not in any way intended to single out or erase the transgender community.  We would love to have someone write for the Illumenate blog about Transgender issues, if you are interested please email illumenate.

With that said, I would like everyone to remember one thing.  One of our ground rule here at Illumenate is to speak from our own experience and to try not generalizing for the whole community.  If you have a story to tell or something to say from your experience, the Men of Illumenate welcome you to voice that opinion at the weekly core group meeting or here on the blog.

Un Abrazo fuerte y un beso grande,

Argenta.

BAD Bottoms!

Before I start this blog, I want to make sure that everyone understands that this is strictly about information and prevention of disease.  (i.e. HIV/STD).  No information on this blog can replace the advice of a Doctor. 

Today’s post is about the Bottom! In the public health world we refer to bottoms as the “Anal Receptive Partner”. There are some things that bottoms should know about having a healthy…well, bottom. I want you all to be B.A.D. Bottoms!  That means that you have to take care of yourself Before, After, and During sexual intercourse. 

Before

Let’s start at the beginning…a very good place to start. There is an enormous pressure on the bottom to be immaculate. This has caused some discourse in the community and some major miscommunications. This has also lead to the misuse of hygiene products.

There is a lot of debate on whether enemas and douches are safe. Here is some information that I found about the health of using these products. I do not endorse or condone the use of these products.  Again, ask your Doctor if these things are right for you. 

Many men have turned to using Feminine hygienic products or “Douche”.  These are products that force a stream of water or other chemicals into the vagina to “clean”.  There is a lot of debates about douching.  Here is the reality, vaginal douching is actually not a healthy practice.  The American Journal of Public Health has shown studies that say it reduces the chance of pregnancy and can also change the Ph levels leading to infection. 

Now, I know that men do not have vaginas; but, if it isn’t healthy for the vagina it isn’t healthy for the anus.  The anus has mucous membranes which tears easily.  Where there is tearing there is a chance of infection; not to mention the chemicals in douche can actually leave the anus in an unhealthy state. 

Enemas of any kind can irritate the lining of the bowel. The bowel contains bacteria, which help digest food. The bowel lining keeps bacteria out of the bloodstream. After an enema or douche, these bacteria, which are not harmful when they stay inside the colon, can be released into your bloodstream and can cause serious illness.

Enemas have other risks as well. Using enemas more than once a week can interfere with the chemical balance of the body and cause dangerous changes of potassium and sodium in the blood stream. In severe cases, these imbalances can cause seizures. Over time, people who use enemas can become so constipated that they cannot move their bowels at all without an enema. Let’s be real, nobody likes a cranky bottom!

Discuss this issue with your partner. You may be more concerned about cleanliness than he is. He may not be bothered by a small amount of feces. Using a towel will protect the sheets, and a condom (which you are using every time, right?) will keep his penis clean and protect you from infections.

Generally, people move their bowels more easily after eating. This is because eating causes the intestines to contract, moving feces towards the rectum. So (assuming you are not constipated), if you have moved your bowels that day and avoid eating for a few hours before sex, there should not be much feces in your rectum. Before sex, wipe your anal area with a moist cloth to remove any residue. It’s better to clean with a cloth rather than toilet tissue, which tends to shred and leave bits attached to the skin.

During

Is this your first time? Using the anus for sex can be very pleasurable.  There are millions of nerve endings in the anus and for men the act of anal sex could stimulate the prostate.  I know that you are eager to find out what feels good for you…but slow down there turbo.  Let’s talk about anal sex. 

First, a penis is far too large (or at least some hope), to just go in the anus right away.  You may want to start with something smaller.  Using a finger or a small sex toy can teach a bottom how to relax and ease your way into the bigger things.

During sexual intercourse there are many ways to protect the bottom.  The obvious way is to use a condom and water-based lubricant.  This will protect you and your partner if used correctly.  The water-based lube will help avoid damaging the anal opening and walls. 

Many people ask how much lube should I use?  Well the answer is simple…A LOT!  I am not saying you have to set up a lube wrestling ring in your bedroom, but the more lube you have the easier things slide.  As the bottom, you know when it is too dry or hurts too much!  You’d betta tell somebody!  Communication is not only a key to a healthy relationship but a healthy sex life.   Just remember to use something that is safe to use with latex condoms.  The lube should not be petroleum based or contain nonoxynol-9.

If you choose to have bareback sex, make sure that you both know your HIV/STD status.  Once again make sure that you are using enough lube.  This will cut down on the tearing, which decreases your risk for HIV/STD.

After

Now that you are all done…that doesn’t mean you can forget about you bottom.  Anal health is very important.  You need to make sure that you are getting a regular anal exam.  Some STDs do not have symptoms that show in the anus.  I would also recommend that you talk to your Dr. about “Anal Pap Smears”. 

Anal Papilloma is a concern among Gay and Bi men. Anal Papilloma is caused by the Human Papillomavirus (HPV).   This could cause warts, and may cause cancer in the anus or on the penis.   Here is some more information that you can take to your Dr. about Anal Paps.  

There are some other issues related to sexual health such as Anal Fissures and Hemorrhoids. Fissures are small tears in the skin or tissue of the anus.  Hemorrhoids are inflamed enlarged veins.  These are things that if you engage in anal sex you need to make sure are getting checked. 

Just make sure to make a bottom check up part of your regular testing routine.

So that’s it Bois!  Make sure that you are regularly checked for HIV, Syphilis and other STDs.   If you haven’t already, go out and get your Hepatitis Vaccines for A & B to avoid the spread of those diseases.  Remember, be a BAD Bottom!

Bottoms Up!