Slippery Slope

Dear Argenta,

What is the best lube for anal sex?

Dear Slippery when Wet,

Querido, there is no one answer to this question.  Try all different kinds to find what works best for you or ask a friend…um…I guessed you asked me, huh? 

Here is my take on it. As long as the lubricant is condom safe (water-based or silicone based) then I would use whatever.  There are a millón opciones!  Anything from Boy Butter (I really like saying that one) to KY.  They also come in all different sizes.  I would recommend that when you are out buying lube that you go to an Adult Bookstore or online, they usually have these little pillow packs that come in all different types.  Try those out! 

My second favorite es gratis, you know the free stuff that the Men of Illumenate give out.  They have these little pillow packs in all kinds of Flavors and types.  You should check it out, Papi! That way you can save money and have some fun doing it! (Ay, I am so pun-y)  

Whatever you choose, Papi; just make sure that you make healthy choices about sex!

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am sending you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Dear Argenta,

A friend recently told me that he liked me "More than friends".  I feel like this is a downward slope and I am not interested in anything but friendship from him, what do I do?

Dear Downward Slope,

Querido, this can be a very touchy subject for people.  Nobody likes rejection, however; it’s a fact of life.  My advice to you would be to sit him down and talk to him about this issue, if he is willing.   It takes a lot of courage to actually tell someone you like them.

There are some things that you should be prepared for.  You are going to bring up some emotion for this person and yourself.  It is hard to tell someone you care about that you don’t want to date them; because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.   Unfortunately, you are going to hurt their feelings.  So if your friend pulls away from you a little, that is okay.  Give them time and space to deal with the rejection.  You should also let him know that you don’t want to lose the friendship that you have.   

Sometimes in these situation emotions run deeper then you thought.  This could cause some problems in the way of a lot of rumors, talk, y Drama.  If you care about the relationship you do have you will do what mi mama always said “Cuanto menos se diga, major” (the less said the better).   Just let these things go. (that’s easy, es cierto?) 

Por otro lado, everything could be fine and at least you both understand the situation.  Let’s hope for that one! Pero Querido, don’t dwell on the subject either.  That is the worst thing.  I have una problema with that.  Dwelling on the situation will only make things worse, move forward.  I say this with caution…Move forward, with or without your friend. 

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am sending you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Heartbreaker and el Perro Loco

So I have this problem; I am the type of guy that people find attractive right off the bat, and would rather see a relationship spur forth than a friendship. I suppose that isn't so bad because most of these people get to know me and decide that being my friend is better than being in a relationship. The reason for this is I'm a messy dater, or at least I think. I feel like I'm on the hunt all the time, and once I find my quarry and become involved with them, I get bored or skittish. This is getting frustrating. I hate being single, but I can't being in a committed relationship with anyone because I feel like I get bored or scared after the Honeymoon effect wears off... please give me something that will break me of this, I feel like I'm leaving a trail of blood, tears, and bodies everywhere I go.

Dear Heartbreaker,

Querido, The first thing I need for you to understand is who you are.  What do you want?  I know that you said that you feel like you are on the hunt all the time.  Maybe this is because you haven’t identified what it is you are actually hunting for!  You see it’s like those times where you are so hungry that you will just about put anything in your mouth!  Instead you need a well-balanced diet. 

Dating can be very messy for one reason…lack of communication.  I hear so many of the Papis talking about this.  If you are interested in a relationship with someone then you must set that up before moving forward.  You have to let people know your intent, because we cannot read minds.   This will also help with the part where you get bored. As cliché as it sounds Communication is the key to any good relationship!

However, I am going to take a step back for a second.  You mentioned that you hate being single…Why?  Are you afraid of being alone?  Querido, you can’t have it both ways.  If you hate being single then you need to work on your relationship skills, in turn; if you can’t be single then you won’t understand how to be in a relationship.  Ms. RuPaul says “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?”  and I say AMEN!

I want you to do Miss Argenta a favor; I want you to take out a pen and a piece of paper.  I want you to write down these three things:  I FEEL LOVED WHEN, I FEAR, I WANT.   Now when you put those down I want you to make a list of things that fall under those categories.   I want you to think long and hard about what each of those things mean.   Really identify what it is that fits into those phrases.  

I will also provide you with this resource; I want you to read the book Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guy's Guide to Dating, Romance, and Finding True Love by Jim Sullivan.   There are some really great exercises in the book that will help you define what you are looking for and give you tips on how to achieve those goals. 

As for the trail of blood, tears, and bodies…I think it’s time to mend those broken hearts.  Take a moment and talk to these poor Papis.  Talking to them may give you some insight into what is going on.  It will also give you a chance to apologize to help close those chapters of your life. 

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am going to send you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!

Argenta,

I have recently (in the past year or so) discovered that I'm bisexual. The person that helped me understand this part of me has all but locked me out of his mind and left me 4 weeks after "helping me" out. I am still in a sense in love with him. Not only do I owe him thanks for making me into this new person, but I still feel like no matter what he does I would still run back to him with my ears perked and tail wagging, bounding like a dog hopped up on chocolate (not knowing that it's bad for me). HELP

I have recently been able to deal with this situation (although I would love to hear you address that problem still) and though not able to completely stop my blushing cheeks and stupid smiles when I see him I have had the chance to further my search for someone that I can see myself with. One of which is a guy that I have just recently gotten to know and have crushed hard and fast for. Only problem, I don't know if he is to put it frankly, bi/gay. I am going crazy, I think I found someone that I could see myself being with forgetting my past crush that has been pressing me for a year, but I don't know if he is into me...what do I do? HELP

Dear Perro Loco,

HIT THE BREAKS, Querido.  There is a whole lot going on right here!  I will address both issues, but first, let me talk about coming out a little.  This is a process that is sometimes difficult.  It is nice that someone helped you to understand the process; however, it was your strength that gave you the ability to accept yourself and be open about your sexual orientation.  

This is the oldest story in the book; “Our first “loves” break our hearts.”   It may take a while for you to get over that.   You are putting a lot of power into his hands.  You owe him nothing, instead you owe yourself everything.  I said it before; it is your own strength that helped you come to terms with who you are.  This will take some time, but I promise you that you will one day be able to walk away.   If you haven’t had a discussion with this person about how you are feeling, I suggest that you do!  You need to use “I” statements and not accuse anyone of anything.   Just having the ability to get it out will help a lot. 

That feeling of being “hopped up on chocolate” is actually kind of a true statement.  When we fall for someone our brain is wired to create all kinds of chemical reactions.   Some studies show that we release a “drug” called Phenethylamine (PEA).  PEA is a natural monoamine alkaloid, trace amine, and psychoactive drug with stimulant effects that can be found in Chocolate.  It’s kind of like that drunk girl who sings about “Your Love is my Drug”.   Once that dissipates, that feeling will go away too! (See I told you all I know stuff)

As for the second half of that question, two issues! 1) You need to find out if he is gay/bi or whatever.  This means that you have to ask him.  That can be difficult, but probably the most important part.  2) Be careful about “replacing” one for the other.   That is typically called a rebound relationship.   I would recommend taking some time to figure out what you really want.  I also recommend that you read the previous blog posts.  They might give you some insight on how to handle this situation.   Just remember that you have to take care of yourself and make clear decisions about what you want.

Well, that is what I have to say about it.  So, I am going to send you un beso grande y un abrazo fuerte! 

Gracias Querido for Asking Argenta!