Friday, April 15, 2011

Bi, Bi, Birdie!

He stood, hand on stylish jeaned-hip, gracefully sipping his grande iced chai.  As he gazed in the direction of the Men’s Interest magazines, hand rose to lips in astonishment, then fell to his chest, as though to protect his heart.   “I’d love to motorboat that shit” (actual quote), his wistful sigh escaped as he finally lowered his hand to clasp that of his boyfriend, who giggled in titillated agreement.

This is the scene I envisioned when my boyfriend told me that he had seen and overheard another male-male couple, as they ogled the cover of—no, not DNA or Men’s Fitness—the 2011 Swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, in the bookstore where we are both employed.. 

To be honest, a number of my coupled gay and lesbian friends have confessed to me that they are bisexual, and to be perfectly honest, I’ve not always held these confessions in the utmost reverence.  My joking is certainly, in no small portion, a kneejerk reaction to a difference I have not tried hard enough to understand. 

I tend to think of myself as a Kinsey 6. Having struggled to come out and be comfortable openly loving a partner of my same gender, it is difficult for me to see the attraction in doing anything sexual with a woman, beyond a sisterly air kiss or a supportive back rub.  Frankly speaking, my fantasizing about straight sex would feel like returning to the oppressive lifestyle I was assigned from birth.  Sorry, ladies.

Nonetheless, it seldom fails, when I am out with a group of reasonable size at Uncle E’s, that one or more of my queer male friends will become enamored with a straight girl’s chest or a lesbian who is “fuckin’ hot” (another actual quote).  And more than once, an ostensible lesbian has been inexplicably drawn to one of my homo homies (yes). 

All too often, their comments are greeted with overt or covert mockery (“Looks like our little diva is straight, after all…straight to the next man!”)  Though I may join in the fun, the better part of me knows that this is wrong. Secretly, the idea of loving beyond gender is one to which I wish I could aspire.  Bisexual people represent freedom from the binary we find so oppressive in the first place. 

So this week’s recipe, by way of peace offering, is dedicated to any friends I have ever maligned.  It carries the best of both worlds: big balls and a great rack.  Giada de Laurentiis has been made famous on the Food Network for her quick and easy Italian dishes.  Her flavorful, moist turkey meatballs comprised the entrée of the meal that stole my heart and landed it solidly in the hands of my boyfriend.  We enjoy watching her cook because the food is amazing, but also because we’re possibly a little bit bi. 

As the following video will attest, an inordinate number clips of Giada chopping, dicing or stirring seems to center around her generally low-cut cleavage, with soft, 90’s-style porn music in the background…and I’ll be damned if this doesn’t somehow make the food look better!  Paging Dr. Freud:

Giada’s fantastic turkey meatballs are best enjoyed in marinara with whole-wheat penne…or sans pasta, with lots of leafy greens on the side.

To make the meatballs, mix the following in a medium bowl, by hand:
1 lb.  Ground turkey
2 large beaten eggs
2 tbsp. Milk
3/4 tsp. Salt
3/4 tsp. Black pepper
1/4 c. chopped parsley (Flavor alert!)
1/4 c. breadcrumbs (potato flakes are a winning gluten-free substitute)
1/2 c. grated Parmesan or Romano cheese (Flavor warning!!!)

Shape the mixture into balls (should make about 24), and place them in a large skillet, coated with 1/4 c. of extra-virgin olive (pre-heated on medium-high heat).  Cook the meatballs, on medium-high, for about 3-5 minutes, browning on each side.  This can be done in batches so you’re not constantly turning over meatballs.  After they’re completely browned reduce heat to low and add sauce and cooked pasta (if desired) to the skillet.  Toss all of these for about 1 minute.  Turn off the heat, and you’re ready to serve.

Feelin ballsy?  Here’s a link to a Giada’s recipe for a simple tasty homemade marinara to complement the meat:

And finally, since she was a little more covered up in the previous clip, here’s some gratuitous cleavage.  Gentlemen, start your motorboats!

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